Peniaphobia - The Fear of Poverty. Are You Afraid, Too?

afraid of poverty Okay so a couple weeks ago, I hit one of those “bad weeks” where I felt like no matter where I turned, I was hitting a stone wall. Not brick, but those big boulder-like stones.

I had issues with a couple clients. Total, estimated worst-case-scenario financial loss this means for me in 2010? $13,ooo

In moving in with my boyfriend, I have sort of taken on a bit of his previous financial issues. No, I’m not paying all his bills or anything like that, but his financial past is now affecting my present. We talked, a LOT, and he’s on board with working together to sort out all the money stuff and get back on track. Sure, that last part’s a plus, but it’s getting to that point that’s going to be a struggle.

I realized that when it comes to money now, I’m very much like my mother, who panics when her bank balance drops below a certain number. I do the same thing. She has a bound set of index cards she uses to track her monthly bills, their due dates, the amount, and when she paid it. She’s got this thing laid out for months in advance. I do the same thing.

It’s scary as hell to sit here and worry about what would happen if something happened to my bf and he couldn’t work. What if we get married and have kids, and all of the sudden, he’s laid up for months with a back injury (he already has a bad back)? I’ve just lost $13,000 potential income for this year, and what happens to us if something bad happens to either of us?

I know, I know… “That’s why you need to have an emergency fund.” I can hear all you Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey fans out there chanting. But it’s stressful to try to pay all the bills and stay on top of them, and STILL save enough toward an emergency fund. Especially when we’re both in situations where our monthly income varies so much.

I would love NOTHING more than to be able to say that every week I’d put “even the smallest amount, say, $10″ away. But what always happens is that I’ll do that, and then in 2-3 weeks, something happens and I need that money. Either a job didn’t come through or a client is late paying, or I blow a tire, or something happens and medicine is needed… SOMETHING always happens to drain that emergency fund before it ever becomes something substantial.

I’m really hoping to hear that I’m not alone in this, and that someone out there feels this paralyzing fear that I do. I’m scared to death that something’s going to happen and I won’t be able to pay my health insurance and they’ll cancel me. (Don’t get me started on Obama’s cute little plan… even if it is worth something, you’re talking 3-4 years before it ever goes into true effect. Of course, I’m pretty afraid it’s not going to be worth anything to someone like me except costing me more in taxes so I can take care of people who don’t WANT to work, but I digress…)

I’m just having that anxiety thing… you know? Before now, I was living in the house I grew up in, paying so much less in bills than I am now. I was barely making it some months before, but I always had that safety net to carry me through when I needed it. Now, I have no room for a safety net and I’m terrified about my balance on the high-wire.

I have a history of bad balance and broken ankles, you know.

So there it is… my heart, laid out on the line. I’m freaking terrified.